Funniest gambling jokes

You may think the biggest gambling joke of all is the huge loss you took last time you spent the night at a land based casino, or perhaps you’re the type who finds nothing funny about gambling.

Here at OnlineCasino.net.au, we’ve always thought it was super important not to take things too seriously when it comes to gambling; with such high risks involved the outcome is truly out of your hands so why not take it all with a grain of salt?

One of the best ways to stay positive and see the funny side of a loss is by making sure you’re always gambling within your means and never placing a bet that you can’t afford to lose. These golden rules of gambling will help to ensure that your real money betting remains the fun yet exciting recreational activity that it should be.

If you’re going through a particularly rough patch of bad luck, or just need a bit of a laugh, have a look at some of our favourite gambling jokes that we’ve compiled from the dark corners of the Internet for your entertainment.

Top 10 best jokes about gambling

  • 1. A bum asks a man for a dollar. The man says, “Are you just going to use it to buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Are you just going to use it to gamble and lose?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Well then, I’ll give you the dollar if you’ll you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble.”
  • 2. Q: How do you make a small fortune out of betting on the pokies?

A: Start with a large fortune.

  • 3. A man rushes home and yells to his wife, “Mary, pack your things. I just won a million bucks on blackjack!” Mary excitedly says, “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?” The husband responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by midday!”
  • 4. Two bored, male casino dealers are waiting for someone to come try their luck at their craps table. Finally, a beautiful young woman comes in wanting to bet ten grand on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.” The dealer’s just stand there, too awe struck to speak.

The dealers stare at each other, flabbergasted. One of them finally asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other responds, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

  • 5. There’s a touching story about a young man who said to his girlfriend, “I bet you wouldn’t marry me.” The story goes that she not only called his bet but also raised him ten!
  • 6. An ex writes a letter to the man she cheated on for years before dumping him at the altar:

Dear Danny,
I have been unable to eat or sleep since I left on our wedding day. Can’t you find it in your heart to forgive and forget? Being away from you is breaking my heart. I was a fool, there’s nobody who can take your place. I only have eyes for you. All the love in the world, Susan xoxoxxoxooxox

PS. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

  • 7. Q: What’s the difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino?
    A: In a casino, you really mean it!
  • 8. A man walks into a butcher and asks, “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says yes, so the man tells him, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging from those hooks up there.” The butcher says, “No way, I’m not betting on that.” The man replies, “Why not? I thought you said you were a gambling man?” To which the butcher responds, “I am, but those steaks are too high!”
  • 9. Q: How do you get a professional poker player to get off your front porch?
    A: Pay him for the pizza.
  • 10. A guy comes home from the pub four hours later than he’d promised. “Where the hell have you been?” screams his wife. The man says, “I’ve been playing poker with some mates.” “Playing poker with some mates!?” the wife yells. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!” “So can you,” the guys says. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

Next time you’re betting online and can’t seem to get ahead, hopefully you’ll think of these jokes and remember not to take things too seriously. Or perhaps you could use one of them in a poker chat room to ease the tension and give everyone a laugh. If you have any good gambling jokes of your own we’d love to hear them.

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